Disney’s Newest Animation: Sex & The City

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I saw that.  You read the heading and felt a tinge of excitement, didn’t you?  You perve.

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What’s that you say?  You aren’t excited because it’s not kid friendly?  That’s never stopped Disney before.images74I7VBQX

Ok, back to business: sometimes enough time elapses between your past and present that you can safely look back and make fun of some of the things you did.  Sex & the City, for instance.  It was popular in my peer group some 10 odd years ago.  Why the hell did my friends and I like that show?  The females are entirely annoying and watching episodes now, when I have gained some perspective, it’s easy to see why they were single for so long.  Especially Carrie; crazy and insecure?  OH yea, every man’s dream.

That’s not to say the show isn’t realistic.  In fact, I think there are many women who are similar to the cast, or worse, who idolize them.

Back to my point: as I reflected on the characters, I started pairing them (without meaning to) with Disney characters (although I will say most Disney characters have more redeeming features than the Sex & the City cast).  Too harsh?  No, I’ll tell you what’s too harsh: having to sit through a movie that sucked more sustenance from me than the setting in which it took place could ever do in real life.  The setting was Abu Dhabi, people; it’s fucking 110 everyday in a fucking desert and THAT would be considered Heaven compared to watching those hussies on screen.  I pity the camels on which they sat their annoyingly, untalented, sickening unoriginal butts.

Back to my point: Disney and Sex & The City.  Who would have thought the two would go together so nicely?

Carrie –> Rex

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Key Quote:  “What if Andy gets another dinosaur?  A mean one?  I just don’t think I can take that kind of rejection!”

Reasoning:  Carrie is insecure, annoying, not smart in the classical sense of the word (but can show some creative thinking when it matters) and overall, kind of a scary, ridiculous looking creature.

Alternatives:  Wall-E (stop smothering the ones you love), Alice in Wonderland (quit eating mushrooms and break out of crazy-land already, lady), Brave (buy a brush), Pinocchio (you will never be something you aren’t so stop whining)

Charlotte –> Sleeping Beauty

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Key Quote:  “I’ve fooled them all.  I have met someone.  We walk together, talk together, and just before we say goodbye, he takes me in his arms and then… I wake up.”

Reasoning:  Charlotte is naïve, innocent to the point of ridiculousness, unrealistic, and constantly dreaming of the perfect man (who does not exist, FYI)

Alternatives:  Snow White (or any other princess who’s asleep for half the story), Jiminy Cricket (the voice of your conscience), Maid Marrione (I don’t care how cute foxes are, your flimsy do-goodedness bores me)

Samantha –> Jessica Rabbit

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Key Quote:  “You don’t know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.”

Reasoning:  She’s a slut.

Alternatives:  Thumper (haha), Meg (another slut who thinks just b/c Hercules loves her, she’s the bomb), the blonde wenches Gaston bench-presses in the bar (you don’t remember them?  then they did their job well)

Miranda –> EVE

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Key Quote:  “Directive.”

Reasoning:  Miranda is no nonsense, all business but still capable of love, the pragmatic, realistic one in the group who won’t do something stupid (ie, hold Wall-E’s hand) before fulfilling something more important (ie, saving mankind)

Alternatives:  Sebastian or Cogsworth (the responsible voices of forgettable characters), Phil (an ugly goat but knows how to motivate people), Wendy (the adult in a group full of children who never grow up)

 

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